A Bad Friend

I am reflecting and realizing that I have been ignoring everyone that is not in my family. Is this that defense mechanism I created years ago as means for emotional survival?

I have heard that there are other people besides your family that care about you and what you do. Friends, they call them. I have friends, right? I think I do. I have been told that I do. If they are my friends, certainly then, they would understand, that I am afraid and that I have been afraid.

Honestly, I feel that I won’t see any of them again. Maybe I'm trying to give myself an excuse; If I’m bad enough, then that would be why they aren’t speaking to me once we graduate, and not because life has decided to separate us. We are all going to have different lives. That's a good thing, right? I'm not so sure. I fear time will force us apart. In a few years, we would no longer know we exist! Will I be losing a big part of me?

I feel that I have no control! I am struggling for control?! Is this why I am acting the way I am? If so, why have I decided on the destructive path? Is it easier? Maybe. But I have hurt many with this mentality. This just goes to show, I can't be a good friend.

I don't understand why my friends just don't leave me though. They are not obligated to struggle with me, yet they do. I know they deserve better, so what should I do? It is obvious that I am wrong. One of my friends called me out on my bullshit. She is right; I have been cruel. I have been beating friendships senseless since I acknowledged their existence. Why? If only I was brave enough to tell them, that I love them, and I am going to miss them all very much. Alas, it's days like today that I wish I lived in a hole as dark as me.