Cleaned Out My Closet

I couldn’t have chose a better day to literally clean out my closet. I’ve had books, academic papers, exams, shoes, clothes, computer accessories, and my treasure chest all piled on top of each other on the top part of my closet for months now! I can’t believe how much of a pack rat I’ve become! Or, should I say I’ve just been busy…too busy to clean? Yeah, lets go with that one! LOL! Nah, no excuses! I would pull away from the idea of organizing it whenever I remembered how much crap was actually in it. I was just lazy. But today, for some strange reason, I had the urge to clean it out. Maybe I felt like doing it because it’s New Years Eve and I wanted a fresh start. Whatever the reason, I did it! It took me two hours. I’m proud of myself.

So, why am I making a big deal out of cleaning my stupid closet? Because I’ve actually been feeling so down lately I can almost say I was in a slight depression. Why? Because my entire family has been sick. My nieces had pneumonia. My mom, brother, sisters, and I have had a cold for about a week. Worst yet, my father has been bedridden since the day after Christmas. He had pneumonia and is now having complications due to his Diabetes. It’s hard for me to see him take so many pills and still be in such pain. I’ve almost felt like I wasn’t going to get any cleaning, organizing, and packing done before Move-in Day at Cal on Jan. 12th, 2011, because of my worrying about his health. He woke up looking better today though, which is why I think I got motivated to pack some items up. I need to stay positive and shower my home with positive energy. He will heal soon. I will make sure of that. I’m looking forward to the new year. This year, 2010 has been stressful, yet productive. I will make the new year, 2011, productive and  fun!! I wish you all a very healthy and happy New Year!! Love ya! ~Bee

One Love

It’s the day after finals. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I caught something, a type of flu, I think, the night I stayed up cramming for the Chemistry final. I’m sure my immune system was down because of the stress to finish this semester strong. The lack of sleep, anxiety, and pressure to excel made me susceptible to poor health. It’s actually been messing with my thoughts and overall mood. However, though I’ve been sick, I took all my final exams with an extreme determination to earn the highest grade. This semester I took Chemistry, Social Psychology, Sociology, and Library Science. More than half of my time this semester was spent studying Chemistry. I am proud of myself. I never thought I would take a course in Chemistry, nor did I ever dream I would earn the best grade. Yeah, you read correctly. I got an “A” in Chemistry! The rest of my time was divided between the other classes; most of it went towards Sociology, then Social Psychology, and lastly Library Science. They were all challenging courses. I’ve never felt so pressured to learn. I’m glad that I have the mental capacity and social support to navigate through the bourgeoisie education system…I will end that there, since I don’t feel like ranting about social structures and inequality.


Changing topics, my friend is proud of me. She says that my magic is on! It’s true. I’ve been able to make thoughts materialize. She believes that we are pure energy and if we are positive in our thinking, do things that will lead to the ultimate goal we have, we can create the outcome. I’ve never forgotten what she’s told me, which is, “You are always in control.” I believe that we can make anything happen, if we work hard and believe in what we are doing. I trust that this developing consciousness of oneness will be the reason for my long, healthy, and positive life. I look forward to my life’s transition. In a few weeks, I will have new experiences, thoughts, and pieces to share. Keep me in your thoughts. I’ll keep you in mine. One love. Bee.

Extra Credit!

To get extra credit in my Library Science research course, I needed to create a web page, blog, or join a social network and post a few things on it. I decided that my blog would be the best place to post the links requested.

1. Graphic.

2. Tile on the top of the page.

3. Six linkable URLs to your class project topic:

Best Online Resources for Learning about Maladaptive Personality Disorders
http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/39/17/12
http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/persdisorders.html
http://www.merckmanuals.com/home/sec07/ch105/ch105a.html
http://www.healthofchildren.com/P/Personality-Disorders.html
http://www.nmha.org/go/information/get-info/personality-disorders
http://www.health.am/psy/personality-disorders/

4. Link to a news video:

Univision:Top-5-secrets-revealed-on-Wikileaks

5. An entry within the last month.

I'm Fucken Sick!

I don't ever remember being this sick! I have a massive head ache, stomach ache, and a sore throat. I woke up in a whimper this morning. The first thing I did was reach for some medicine. I can hardly utter a sound. That's how bad this thing is. I don't even know what to call what I have. Basically, I feel like I have a hangover, but I didn't drink any alcohol. I could sure use a drink right about now though.

Anyway, although I got sick Sunday night, as I crammed for the Chemistry final, I haven't allowed this "feeling like shit" thing get to me. I've taken three of four final exams. The last one is actually the easiest: Library Science. I haven't felt like posting anything these past few days because of exams. I will probably have less time to blog when I start attending Cal. I hope that's not the case.

It's Time!

I have a research paper due one Monday for Social Psychology that I have yet to start working on. Not to mention, I have two finals the day this paper is due: Social Psych. and Chem. which is the cause of my stress in more recent days. I can't believe that this semester is finished! I feel like I was physically in this world for the past few months, but my mind wasn't. As if, my thoughts have been frozen in time and are now awaken by fear. It's a strange and somewhat scary feeling. In this world, time means everything and nothing at the same time, you know. We are pressured to keep track of time and squeeze as many activities into an hour as possible so as to be or appear productive. But what does that mean, really? Does any of this "productivity" matter? We are always trying to please and impress others, but why? Why don't we strive to please ourselves and do the things that we like to do? Why must we be slaves to the time created by man? Shouldn't we live by our own interpretation of time and live peacefully? Is that even possible? ... It seems impossible!

Relationship Issues

I feel like my first relationship wasn't really a "relationship". What do I mean? I mean, it was more of a friendship with benefits than anything romantic or special. Honestly, I thought that was the type of relationship I wanted, but as I reflect back on it, all I have are empty memories. I felt shallow emotions for this guy and never anything real. I can't really explain what I was feeling, except that it was mostly sexual and not emotional. I was sexually frustrated, I think it's called. I confuse my thoughts and feelings. I guess that's a reason for my strange behavior, LOL!

So, what am I looking for? What do I need? I just want to be happy, man. Will anyone make me happy? I think that's where the problem resides. I need to find ways, things, to make myself happy before I can expect anyone else to. Right? I think I just resolved my own problem. I shouldn't get involved with anyone until I figure out what it is I like and need.

Entertain me! :)

What type of relationships do you seek? Do you look for meaningful relationships or fun one night stands? Which do you recommend? Does it depend on your mood or situation? What would you do in my situation?

It's a Grandpa Song

I was writing a post about a problem I was having when I heard my niece singing about random things. I decided to type down what I heard and sing it back to her, LOL! She's adorable! She named this piece, "Grandpa Song".

Grandpa was walking
and he was at work,
he was giving me coffee
and juice,
he was giving me coffee
and food,
smoothie too!
I didn't drink all of the drinks,
no, not lot of drinks, no!
Only one smoothie
because I get fat.

By: Diamond Hernandez

She Wasn't Drunk!

I guess my sister wasn't drunk. She was actually drugged by a guy at the bar in Hollywood. Damn, she's lucky to be alive!! I hope she learned her lesson. I know I've learned from her experience. Only time will tell. This isn't the first almost fatal incident she's found herself in. God, protect her! I'm scared for her.

I'm Surprised She's Alive!

I fell asleep at 3am today; I was cramming for my 3rd Chemistry Mid-term. I couldn't go back to sleep. Why? Because at 4:30am, I heard my mother's frantic voice and my father's tired groan. My mother was waking up my youngest sister, who lives across the hall with her two children. Apparently, my sociopathic sister was being held at the West Hollywood Police Department. Why? She was extremely drunk. Two hours later, my mother and sister dragged my passed-out sister onto her bed, where she's still knocked out. I'm surprised she's still alive! My mother said she was hardly conscious. I wonder how she ended up in the police department and why didn't they call an ambulance. She could have overdosed and died there! That would have thrown me over the edge, really! My parents must feel horrible about this entire situation. I hope they're not blaming themselves for her foolish behavior. I think this is just the life she wants to live. Her motto must be, "Live crazy, die young."

Whoa! Secret US Embassy Cables!

Damn! The U.S is put on blast! The effects of this leak should be very interesting. Don't know what I'm talking about? Below is an excerpt from the Wikileaks website that states what type of secret documents were leaked into the public domain.

"Wikileaks began on Sunday November 28th publishing 251,287 leaked United States embassy cables, the largest set of confidential documents ever to be released into the public domain. The documents will give people around the world an unprecedented insight into US Government foreign activities...The cables show the extent of US spying on its allies and the UN; turning a blind eye to corruption and human rights abuse in "client states"; backroom deals with supposedly neutral countries; ...lobbying for US corporations; and the measures US diplomats take to advance those who have access to them."

Wikileaks.org

Clear skies, but Cold as Fuck!

I'm sitting in front of this computer screen with my niece's Spongebob blanket wrapped around me. Man, I've been freezing my ass off all fucken week! This year's weather has been so unpredictable. The weather man/women are useless. Global warming.

A Dead Dream

The recent death of a professor on campus makes me think of David. It's been almost three years since I last saw him. We were such dorks, lol! We planned and fund raised together for Alpha Gamma Sigma, the honors club on campus, which we were both executive officers of. I remember we sold pizza slices, held raffles, attended meetings and goofed around. We did everything we could to stay on campus because our lives off campus were terrible. We both came from impoverished neighborhoods and families. We were always pressured to get involved in gang related activities, but we found ways to get around them. Man, I miss him. He was fun, loving, passionate, strong willed; He was everything a good friend and student leader should be.

The last memories I have of him were that of him giving me a tour of his office and saying that it was his "third of the half". I didn't understand. He explained, "That's the Vice President's side of the office. The Treasurer, Chief Justice, and Secretary use this side. So, it's my third of the half." LOL! It was so funny. I had never been in the student government office before, except to take my student ID, so it was interesting to see it from another perspective. The very last time I saw him was at an ASO meeting. He motioned that I be appointed Associate Justice of the ASO student government, where he was the Secretary. That was the first meeting I had attended. I only showed up because our friend Heather, who was the AGS President, was also the ASO Vice-President and she had recommended I attend. After the meeting he was in a rush to get home. He mentioned that he was going to a party that weekend. I never saw him again.

David was shot during a confrontation at the party and died at the scene. He died at the age of 19. He had so much potential. He had applied to UCLA the semester prior to his death as a Sociology major. He dreamed of graduating from UCLA and going back to improve his community, South Central L.A. His death shocked me. I never had anyone close to me die, so his death changed how I viewed and interacted in society. Truth be told, sometimes I fear I will share his fate. It's common for people in our community to fall victim to senseless violent crimes. I wish our society would move to improve social conditions instead of promoting war and division of classes. I'm not even going to go off on a rant. I just wish society benefited the majority and not the select few.

Cease the Day!

There are days I wish would cease forever.
Here's to another day of fruitless endeavors!
The light of day no longer brings me joy.
I dodge the blades that are your words.
The sights and sounds,
the very fabrics of life
are lost as I stare into this dime.
My life is nothing with out this coin.
The bills pile up,
will I endure?

By: Brandy Ruiz

Earth as Art!

I've just seen the most beautiful images of our earth! :)

Earth as Art!

Para El Gobierno, Att: El Pueblo

I love looking around the house for things to put in my treasure chest. Yeah, I actually do have one. I've made a discovery today! Pictured below is a letter "Para El Gobierno" from "El Pueblo". I recognized the writing; It's my mother's!


I showed it to her and asked her why she tossed it in the trash. This piece is written on the back of a First Class U.S. Postage Paid envelope, which I found very significant. She just shrugged her shoulders. Apparently, she's been writing things and just throwing them away! I gasped! I asked her to give me everything she writes from now on and she agreed. I doubt she'll follow through though.

Para El Gobierno
Para el gobierno:
Nosotros los Hispanos
Latinos e inmigrantes,
Somos como la marea;
Podemos hacerlos subir
o podemos hacerlos bajar,
Tenemos poder y se los acabamos
de demostrar.
Att: El Pueblo

Por: Norma P. Ruiz



I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced, but they
Out-did the sparkling leaves in glee;
A poet could not be but gay,
In such a jocund company!
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

By: William Wordsworth

The Needs of the Many or the Need of One?

There's a war inside of me,
can you predict it?
My heart is with the people,
but my mind is led by instinct;
There's a need to survive, I cannot retract-
This society is ever changing, I must adapt!
Corruption and greed, above many things-
there's talk about peace in the Middle East!
Lies that penetrate my sleep!
But what can I do? I'm just ME!
I live a life of contradiction,
damn these ideological restrictions!
They're deep into battle,
but what can I do?-
I'm just ME!
I'm just me?

By: Brandy Ruiz

The Mirror

I watched myself in the mirror today,
a question came to mind as paranoia came into play-
Am I worth what they expect me to be?
Are my flaws, flaws of imagination?
Do I poses what the essentials can be?
Do I know what they are?
Will I ever figure it out?!
I fold under my own panic;
crushed by fear and doubt.
I can't stand not knowing,
an endless search for a conclusion-
Someone, anyone, don't let this torture keep going,
and assure me the mirror is merely
an optical illusion!

By: Scott Stamler

River Trip

I decided to write down an experience I had last summer...

I've been waiting in the car for an hour now and I’m restless, hot, and annoyed. We’re almost leaving, I remind myself, if only they can hurry the fuck up! As we drive on to the freeway, I notice we are caught in bumper to bumper traffic and that’s when I smell the smoke. I look around, nothing but cars, trucks, and—an ambulance? Now what?! I continue to gaze about. Suddenly, "Brush Fire" appears in mocking red letters. I sigh. It’s going to be a long ride.

Throughout the ride I’m irritable, but who wouldn’t be? I could barley hear myself think! My aunt is gossiping, my niece is howling over my aunts ‘juicy news’, my cousin is spitting cherry seeds at my arm and my sister’s babies daddy is driving like a fucking maniac. The only way I’m able to keep sane is by shouting at my sister Paloma. I know that only adds to the chaos, but it makes me feel better.

It takes my dimwitted brother-in-law about forty five minutes to exit the freeway. “Are we almost there yet?” I ask my mom, “It’s so hot.” She smiles at me and responds, “Si hombre! Ya para de chingar!”

The road curves like a snake and I figure it is just as deadly. We are driving on the mountain side and I can see the river hundreds of feet below. I clutch the side of my seat and look out the window fearfully. The only things protecting us from falling off the mountain is stone and a skimpy one foot wide sheet of metal. My stomach feels heavy and on every turn I hold my breath thinking it will be my last. My brother-in-law must think he’s a stunt driver from the movie "The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift" because he’s speeding and making extremely hasty turns. I finally had enough and begged my mom to tell him to slow the hell down or we’re all going to die! “Think of the babies!” I say, but I am mostly thinking of myself.

Finally, over the mountain and across the bridge, to the river we’ve arrived. I couldn’t get out of the van fast enough. I grabbed my bag, put on some tanning oil, and waited for everyone else to get out. As the van is being unloaded, I look over the cliff and am surprised at how beautiful the mountains look. Below, the river is clearly visible and the lake is crystal clear. I look around for stairs, steps, any type of stone or wooden path that will lead me down there, but I didn’t find anything except for a steep dirt trail. Is this it? I guess so. I observe as each family member either runs or slowly staggers down the trail. I’m the last to go. I try to calculate each step in my mind, but as I step onto it, I realize how sandy and lumpy it is; which is not what I had planned. Slowly but surely, I make it down to my family.

The sun is scorching hot and I’m exhausted from the walk down. I sit on the edge of the lake and try to admire the scenery. The water is refreshing and my stress is carried away by the small waves. My nieces seem to be enjoying the shore as much as I am; we laugh and splash water at each other as well as play with the wet sand. After all, I’m not such a good swimmer; I almost drowned in Mexico a couple of years ago and I haven’t swum in deep water since. Maybe I will swim in the deep today— or maybe I should die a horrible death!

 

The next day we are back. My upper torso and legs are sore for some reason and I am equally annoyed. I make it down the sandy trail and find that there are furious monster trucks and motor bikes obstructing our path to the lake. We look around dumbfounded. Why are they here? I think. Stupid orange fence! My mom doesn’t think twice and walks away from the lake, towards a thin river. “But I want to go in the lake!” I pout. “Apurate antes que se llene de gente!” she shouts. I drag my feet as I follow her. I’m upset and go on a rant about the trucks and the people that drive them. Eventually, my anger subsides and I am at peace with nature.

The following day my father is home and tells us we are going to the lake. I’m hoping that the lake will be open today, but it isn’t. The river is crowded and the four by fours take over most of the shade and sandy spots. We are forced down the river where the sand turns to stone and the water does too. I say this because my mom decides to add large stones to the already dammed river in order to make our side of the river deeper. I watch as she picks smooth clean stones off the river bank and carefully places them on top of moss covered ones. She looks like I beaver I joke. My dad laughs.

Hours pass and I am still not pleased. Why are there people swimming in the lake, but we can’t? My oldest cousin is also questioning and decides to lead me, my sister, his sister, and my brother on the search for truth. We walk towards where the river and the lake merge into one and see that there are more people than we expected; there are people in the river chilling in knee high water as well as barbequing and fishing on the deck. There is also a white pick up truck fighting against Mother Nature; it kicks and screams but it just won’t budge. A group of ten men surround the truck now and they are finally able to push it out. “It should have stayed stuck”, I say irritated, “stupid ass guy”. My sister looks at me and laughs. Meanwhile, my cousin spots the park ranger and points him out to me. If he is here, I think, why are there still people swimming in the lake?! All of a sudden, the park ranger pulls up to the shore and starts to threaten all the people that are swimming. As they walk out of the water towards the river, my sister and brother "boo"; I can’t help but to laugh out loud. We keep walking to get a closer look at the action. My sister takes advantage and asks the park ranger for a legitimate reason for not being able to swim in the lake. I can tell he is frustrated, but he calms down and clarifies.

“There are state and federal laws restricting people from swimming in reservoirs”, he explains, “a ten year boy died here ten years ago. He was swimming in the reservoir when the dam pumps switched on and he disappeared. We found him two days later wrapped around a tree.” My stomach turns. I wonder if he is telling the truth, or if he is just lying to make his job easier. My cousin obviously doesn’t have the same reaction as I do. He smiles and tells me that if the chances of having that boy’s fate are one in a million, he would take that risk. I look at him and call him a dumb ass because I, unlike him, have a life and enjoy breathing. I don’t want to risk losing everything I have worked hard for, for a mere dip in that crisp drinking water. Instead, I walk back to where the sand turns to stone to sit in the river bank and enjoy what is left of the blazing sun.

Silent Tears

I feel your pain through the walls,
you still think I don't care,
your silent tears sting-
a thousand needle pricks to my heart,
when you're ready to confront him-
come out!
You can't hide behind your anger forever.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Pink Grenade

I am what I'm not;
flesh and bones are not me!
Head to toes you see-
I'm about to explode!
Am I that hard to believe?

By: Brandy Ruiz

Don't Be Lead Astray by Gold

I've just noticed how much I've been bragging about transferring to Cal this spring. It's a contradiction to my developing beliefs. I'm proud of my accomplishments and how I've mastered the bourgeoisie education system thus far, however, I am not "out of the ghetto", as my thoughts, influenced by society, are leading me to believe. Although I am moving out of my parent's house and into a dorm on the UC Berkeley campus, I am still a minority that will never be accepted by the dominant group as an equal. Neither will you! ???

If I ever do succeed, by becoming a capitalist, I will be a fool and a traitor to the people; the working class is the true leader of society. They are the ones who invent items and develop ideas, because of need. This need, however, is misguided. The dominant group is using workers, children of workers, as means for war production to protect their assets; notice how the people don't get a share of those assets, but instead, get a few dollars from their labor, which they then use to feed their families and pay the bills.

Capitalism isn't working for the people. Society is set up in such a way that the worker remains a worker, a wage-slave for the boss, and the capitalist profits from their labor power. Man, this is such bullshit! It bothers me to hear about how little the people care about these "deviant" ideas.  I think the people do care, but they just don't realize each and every way they are being exploited because they are too busy trying to survive. Or they think that life is unchanging, "This is how life is, so I just have to put up with it". We have Religion, a tool used by the dominant group, to thank for this complacent social behavior: "God made some to command and others to obey, and resignation is Christian." <-- I read this line in Marx: For Beginners by Rius, in case you want to check it out.

Anyway, I guess the point of me writing these thoughts down, is so I can center myself and remember that I'm on a battle field; I am part of a class struggle! I shouldn't allow the influences of the dominant group to blind me and lead me astray. Marx believed that class struggle was necessary for human progress. I concur. Don't you think it's time for a new class to dictate society to improve humanity?

Massacre in Mexico

Central and South Americans migrating north, in hopes of reaching the U.S, are being kidnapped, extorted, sexually assaulted, and massacred as they journey through Mexico. 72 bodies were reportedly slain by drug traffickers in Tamaulipas, Mexico. The Zetas, a Mexican drug cartel, dominates the region and guns down undocumented migrants that refuse to pay to pass through their territory, or work for the cartel.


When is the government going to take control again? Perhaps, the elected officials themselves need to stop being so corrupt. It’s their fault innocent hard working people are being massacred every fucken day, right?! Or is it their fault? Is it the system that has failed them and led them to this corrupt state of mind? Money, money, money! When are we, as a society, going to look past materialistic things and focus on developing our communities?

To Do List

I need to...

• Study for a Sociology quiz that I have tomorrow.
• Go to UC Berkeley's student orientation aka CalSo on Friday. (Check! I leave tomorrow.)
• Finish my Chemistry lab report due a week from today.
• Start on my Sociology portfolio due Nov. 16th.
• Work on my Psychology exam due on Monday.
• Choose a topic for a research paper due on Tuesday.

Ahhhhh!!! O_0

I Voted...

I walked .7 miles to and from my polling place. That's a total of 1.4 miles. It might not seem like a lot, but it was given the circumstances. I risked getting shot at by a neighboring gang just to cast my messily vote. It was dark as fuck! At least my sister went with me. Damn my feet hurt! Next time I do something stupid like this, I'm wearing comfortable shoes!

I'm Almost Out

I just closed my Chemistry book. I studied one of the four chapters that are going to be on the midterm tomorrow. FML! I get so distracted at home. My nieces won't leave me alone for one minute! I'm their favorite aunt, lol.

Anyway, guess what?!

I was selected to be a resident at the Casa Magdalena Mora Mexicano/Chicano and Latino Theme Program at UC Berkeley! I was interviewed via phone for the last available position. I'm being offered a single occupancy dorm room! How awesome is that?! Very, I know! Though expensive, ofcourse I'm going to accept! I have no where else to go, lol. Besides, this is a once in a life time opportunity!

I can't wait to live on my own! It's going to be tough for me though, because I'm so emotionally attached to my family. I know that my leaving, however, will do the family some good, as it will do me. Don't you think?

To Vote or Not to Vote- That Is The Question!

Election day is November 2nd, 2010. I'm not even sure if I should vote. Unfortunately, the public officials aren't worth voting for. I'd either be voting for dumb, or dumber, for California Governor. Republican or Democrat, there's no difference; they both work for the bosses. It's rather entertaining to see them debate the issues, disagree on the process, but in the end give the same result. The elite win, we lose. Will we ever get a different result under Capitalism? I don't know, but if we could, I won't live to see it. All I know is that the people's interest isn't on their agenda. If they don't serve us, the people who put them in office, who do they serve? Think about it.

I once dreamed of being a California Senator. I believed in democracy, and thought I could improve the lives of the people I would serve. I found out early in my college education, however, that public officials spend most of their time in office raising money for their re-election campaign. That really disappointed me. I realized then that I didn't want to be part of a system that abused the trust of the people. What do I want to do with my life then? That's yet to be determined.

Anyway, back to November 2nd, 2010. Am I the only one that feels misinformed on the ballot propositions? It pisses me off just thinking about them. Why? Do you know what the fuck you're voting for? Are you even voting? Is your vote going to make a difference? Really? Is it?

Democracy is an illusion.

"I swear to the Lord, I still can't see, why Democracy means, everybody but me." -Langston Hughes

Monday Nap

I'm half asleep. I stayed up until 3am last night and 4am the previous night. I've been trying to cram two chapters of Chemistry before taking the fifth 40 question written and multiple choice quiz today. I took a Rockstar Energy Shot this morning, before eating breakfast at McDonalds, and I feel like I'm crashing now. I have a quiz and two essays due tomorrow morning for Sociology. Eh, I'll work on that later on today. I'm going to take a nap. Have a productive day! :)

Cannibalism...Would You Do It?!

I was Googling words yesterday because I was bored. I forgot which word I Googled when I came across several articles and blogs on modern cannibalism. The thought of eating human flesh remains taboo in almost every culture. I actually found this topic fascinating! Humans eating humans! Doesn't that sound so primitive? The ancient practice of eating human meat remains in modern society! I think that's fucken awesome! Don't you think that's interesting? I was surprised to find out that there is an entire community of cannibals looking for voluntary victims via the Internet. Google Armin Meiwes and you'll see what I'm talking about. I was actually laughing really hard when I read a post from a guy looking for someone to eat his toes. He did get a response. This was my face the entire time I read the blog: 0_o OMG! I kept wondering if I would ever be in a situation where cannibalism was the only option for survival. What would I do? What would you do? There are lots of cases where people had to resort to cannibalism before being rescued. That must have been a traumatic experience. Hmmm, my final thought: I wonder if cannibals travel a lot in hopes of getting lost with groups of unsuspecting tourists. LOL!

Insignificant Me

I wrote this poem a few years ago. I can't believe I found it! I still remember why I wrote it, lol.

Sorrow and hate
whirl in my heart,
like an angry twister.

Hopelessness
          Emptiness

Loneliness

          Patheticness
oh, so sinister.

An unwanted presence,
I’m considered a foe.
Me against the world,
the world against me.

I’m imprisoned by fear
and possessed by jealousy.
I'm hated by all,
oh, so menacingly.

How selfish of me!
Insecure as can be.
How foolish I am!
Insignificant me.
 

By: Brandy Ruiz

Clearing My Mind

Ahhh! It's hard for me to focus! There are just too many things on my mind. I guess I should write them down to get them out of my head!

• I need to transfer to Cal if it's the last thing I do! I have my reasons. I'm sure you'd want to move out of your parents house too. Of course, I'll feel guilty about it! I think I've blogged about this before. Eh, I'm sure I'll blog about this later.

• I have a crazy amount of studying to do. The individual course workload is not hard, but when combined with other transfer level courses, it feels impossible to get anything done.

• I have family issues that stress me out. My sister's baby daddy drama. My parent's gambling addiction. My brother misbehaving in school. My having to babysit on weekends, while they go out, because I don't have the heart to say, "No!". This complicates things for me because it means I can't study on the weekends. My not studying on weekends jeopardizes my chances of passing my courses with at least a 3.0 gpa, which I need to transfer to Cal in the spring!...sigh.

• I can't ignore the injustices that are taking place in the Associated Student Organization (ASO). The ASO, student government, President Ahmed thinks he's a Pharaoh. The executive officers have no real say in any process. If there is a process. Typically, I've noticed, it's his word or resign! What type of shit is that?! He makes students feel unwelcome in the one place that is for students by students, the fucken ASO office! I loathe people that take advantage of their power status. If you're reading this Ahmed, FUCK YOU!!

• "The very essence of romance is uncertainty."- Oscar Wilde. Oh, how this quote rings true! I was so lost in the details of my relationship. Now I realize that I tried too hard. I didn't need to understand the meaning of things, that were insignificant. In doing this, I forgot to acknowledge that it was his relationship too! I was selfish. I've learned my lesson. Never again!

Wow! I feel so much better. Now I can focus and get back to studying!

Waves

Let them crash
onto your chest;
feel them pull you
to that place.
It's okay.
Though you should know,
your skin and bones
cannot protect.
Let the waves
take you whole,
Your heart cannot
go alone.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Bus Ride

The sky is dark, but
the white, green, yellow, and red
lights, keep me awake.
I stare in awe as they move past,
fast, and then slow,
the bright red letters remind me,
I'm almost home!

By: Brandy Ruiz

Creative Writing Club

I went to a Creative Writing Club meeting earlier this week. We listened to three songs and were told to write whatever came to mind during that time. This is what I came up with...

1st song:
The silence hurts,
my ears drum,
your voice is so close,
but will I ever hear it.

2nd song:
It's funny watching everyone try to write something on their paper. Their pencils move, but the thought is stuck. It can't move from their head to their finger tips. I wonder what they're writing. I'm sure they're scribbling single words or maybe they're just doodling on the edges of their paper. What a bunch of fakers! I'm one too though. That's why you're reading this.

3rd song:
The black ant on the white surface,
where's it going?
It moves on the edges of the white,
the light doesn't reveal it's intentions.

I couldn't focus on one idea to write about. I had a different one for each song. I was really distracted the whole time. That ant on the floor kept grabbing my attention, lol! :)

Let the Planning Commence!

My former ASO (student government) advisor is still on my case, thank God! LOL! I need a push now and then to get back on track. She keeps asking me for updates on my transferring to UC Berkeley this coming spring. I keep telling her that I'm on it. When I'm actually not. However, starting today, the planning has commenced! I'm planning a trip to visit the campus in November. I want to go to CalSO, which is the transfer student orientation. I can't wait. I'm very excited! Of course, planning something like this, by myself, is harder than it seems. I'm sure it'll all workout though. I was the one organizing the ASO trips for two years. ^_^

On The Right Track

I feel like my life is on the right track. I'm getting along with the people around me, for the most part. I'm also learning how to be in a relationship.But, most importantly, I'm getting good grades to satisfy the UC Berkeley contract I agreed to.

I've been sacrificing alot of myself for myself. If that makes any sense, lol. I've not only been chanting more, but I have been working my ass to make sure everything I desire comes true. At this moment, I feel that life will be great for me. Why? You'll see.

A Wish/Prayer

My sisters got into another fist fight about ten minutes ago. Why do I always end up in the middle of their bullshit? So, there I was, fists swinging towards me as I tried to pull and push them away from eachother. I can't stand the drama that goes on in this house. Oh, God, please!! Help me pass Chemistry this semester, so I could transfer and get the fuck out of here!! Sigh. I wonder if he/she heard me.

Gogol Bordello - Pala Tute

This song is a fucken ear worm! LOL! It won't get out of my head! :)

Nothing's Left (Poem)

Keep knock knocking,
it'll soon be over,
there is nothing left for me to give,
selfish prick.
Come on! Stop stomping,
my heart is nothing,
you gave me all away,
that was quick.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Straight Curls

Every morning,
6 am,
460 degrees,
curls are silk.
This isn't me!
Can you tell?
I hope not.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Follow The Leader

I was on campus the other day and saw these helicopters flying really low. They were so loud. I thought it was cool, so I took a picture as they left campus. I have no idea what that triangle on the far right is.

I Don't Have A Name For It

I sketched this the other day. This is actually the first thing I've drawn, and that I consider "cool", since highschool. I don't have a name for it. Any suggestions? 

Best of Moods

I'm in the best of moods right now. Thinking about him puts a big smile on my face. I feel butterflies in my stomach when I see him. My heart races when we touch. Is this what falling in love feels like?

Yesterday, we were hanging out for about six hours. He was helping me memorize the elements of the Periodic Table for my Chemistry quiz on Monday. We talked for a surprisingly long time. He mostly sits there, looking at me. I wanted to get inside his head this time, so I started asking him all sorts of questions. I want to know everything about him. I also like hearing him speak. He sounds so serious and business-like.

Anyway, I trip out on how fast time seems to go by! We can spend hours with each other and it only feel like a few minutes. He said, "...we affect time and space". LOL! He's such a dork. Ah, I love when he touches and squeezes me. I know my kisses turn him on as much as he turns me on. It's such a relief to know that I have a partner that is open minded and respectful of my wishes. I can't wait to spend all day with him tomorrow. I'm sure we are both going to have a great time. <3

I've Been A Busy Bee

Whoa! I went from posting everyday to only blogging once a week. I've been occupied. I spend most of my time studying in the campus library. I'm taking a full load of courses, but you all knew that already. Chemistry is kicking my ass! I need to focus more on that class, as Berkeley requires me to complete it for spring transfer. I still need to apply for Cal housing. But first, I need to come up with some money. That's going to be a challenge, since I'm not working for FACE anymore. It's a long story. Anyway, OMG! I love having a boyfriend! It's so much fun getting to know him. Opening up to another person is scary, because you don't how they're going to react, but that's also the exciting part. LOL!

The Plan

It's the third day of the fall semester and so far so good. I am very excited about my Sociology and Social Psychology courses. If you didn't know, I'm into that stuff. This semester is going to be a blast! It's my last semester at West L.A. College. Why? Because I will be attending UC Berkeley in the spring!! I know, I mention that a lot, but I just can't help it! I can't wait to leave Los Angeles. I want to experience another way of life and enjoy the company of other people. Though, I'm going to miss my boyfriend. <3 :(

Alright, so I need to make a plan. Hmmm, what do I want to do? Okay, let's see... I want to spend as much time with my boyfriend as possible. Ace all my courses. Make new friends. Stay on a transfer path, which means, I must get organized and follow all the UC Berkeley transfer deadlines. This sounds like a good plan, huh? What do you think? :)

Racists, Bigots and Nazis - STFU!

Why ?

Lover, Be Patient

Keep your feelings
on a leash,
don't let them show
through your eyes,
lover, be patient,
let him be,
time will unveil the lies.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Don't Want To Jinx It

I haven't posted anything in a while. I suppose you want to know why, huh? Well, keep wondering, lol! I don't want to say anything for fear of jinx it. There I go again, with my superstitions, but I really don't want to say or do anything that may risk ending this experience. Anyway, all you have to know is that I've found something that makes me happy. I don't know how long it will last, but I wish I could keep it.

Bed Intruder Song

A friend posted this video on her Facebook page a few days ago. I saw it for a few seconds and didn't get it so I was like, "fuck this", and logged off. Then today, another friend mentioned the video and showed me the original footage before playing this one. I got it! It's so fucken funny. It's an earworm! I catch myself humming it and saying the words under my breath. I'm like, "WTF?" LMAO!

Brandy Is Cool. That Is A Lie.

I was hanging out with my guy friend today. He asked if I could type without looking at the key board. I could sometimes, but I admitted that I couldn't. I asked if he could. He said, "yeah", so I told him to prove it. I told him to type that I was cool. He started to do it, but I got distracted, and when I came back, this was on the screen:

Brandy is cool.

That is a lie.

The world in your hands is an opportunity to smash your frustrations or grow your troubles.

In the pieces of broken dreams are steps to a new reality.

Elephant songs announce the loudest threats.

He's such a dork! ^_^

M.I.A- XXXO

I like M.I.A's music, but this video is wack! It looks like a Myspace page. Was that the point? Do you like it?

Memories Rush Back

I can't stop thinking about him now. I wonder how he's doing. Oh, let me clarify who I'm writing about. I dated this guy for a few months, like 5 years ago. The reason why I'm remembering him is because I came across a song we used to listen to all the time. We used to blast it on my mom's DJ. The music sounded throughout the neighborhood. We thought we were all cool, lol. Anyway, we made some great memories. I liked him a lot. He was so sweet and had an innocence to him, even though he was a gangster. He said he loved me and would do anything for me. But, I just couldn't respond. I was scared. I didn't believe him. What would have become of my life if I would have stayed with him?

Man, I just remembered, he broke my heart! :( It's a trip how the memories rush back. I had blocked him out all these years. This is so strange. I remember being mad. I couldn't stop crying. My sister was actually being nice to me and trying to console me. I think this is when I changed. I became more careful. I didn't want to feel what I felt that night ever again. After that experience, I gave all the guys that liked me a hard time. I push them away. I didn't want to get close to anyone. I felt vulnerable. I still feel like that, but I can't allow myself to stay stuck in teenage heartbreak mode. I want to fall in love. I want to feel butterflies in my stomach every time I think about him. I want to love and feel loved. When will he show up and take my breath away?

I Can Choose?

Oh, great. I think I'm fucking up, but I'm not sure. I'm so annoyed with myself for being so damn indecisive all the time. I'm sure I'm not the only one that goes through roller coaster emotions. So, now what do I do? Do I want a relationship? If so, with who? If not, then what do I want and with who? I guess I have to get out of my comfort zone and actually test myself out. Can I be a good girlfriend? Maybe, that's the questions that needs to get answered. Well, there's no harm in trying things out and having fun, right?

Orgasm Arts

I like learning new things and this is definitely something of interest. I didn't know there were different types of female orgasms. A whole body orgasm is possible?! That's fucken awesome! Click on the links to watch the videos I saw on female orgasms and finger techniques. I'm embarrassed to try them, but I know that knowing about these things will prove useful in the future. I'm sure you all will enjoy this as much as I did. It's not that graphic, so don't be a snatch and check it out!

Orgasm Arts- Introduction

Two Finger Technique

Clitoris

Oral Sex

I Need To Get Over Myself

What have I been up to? Wouldn't you like to know? Well, if you must know, I've been trying to start a relationship. I'm afraid though, but who isn't? My curiosity is getting the best of me. I wonder what will happen. What type of relationship will this be? Will this guy be my first heart break? Or, will he be a close friend? My first sexual partner? Does anyone ever know what type of relationship they will have?

This is probably like when I stand in front of a gumball machine. I never know what color I'm going to get, but I keep wishing for the red one. Most of the time I get a random color, something I didn't expect, but end up liking it anyway.

Relationships are so complicated, man. It seems like almost everyone is better at maintaining relationships than I am. I don't understand why I am so bad at it. I need to get over myself, because I want to have meaningful experiences with people I care about. I don't want to end up alone, with like three dogs and a talking parrot. Yeah, I've thought about it, LOL!

The Moon and Me

Whenever I stare at the moon,
as I do tonight,
my mind clears;
the thoughts that worried me before,
escape into the night,
like murderers from a crime scene-
I'm going to be alright,
I'm alone but reassured that
my dreams will come true,
as I am still alive,
and so is he.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Why Is This Feeling?

The actions I was upset about were of no importance compared to his words. As I read his e-mail responses, I felt like all the sadness had gathered in my chest and had burned a hole through it. I don't know how to describe it, but the more I cried, in my dark quiet room, the feeling went away. How do my sisters and other people do it? You know, create and maintain relationships. Many times I wish I wouldn't feel or care about what other people thought of me. But I do and it sucks for me because I just realized that I'm always going to get hurt. I guess the best thing to do is to find a way to cope with it and move on. I'm not going to get hurt.

Friendship

It's interesting to see how friendships unfold. I never thought I would be friends with this quiet, yet awesome guy. He's so funny and has a dark side that I like. He's like me in many ways. It's so hard for me to get along with anyone, especially girls. Probably because I always had crushes on them. They always place me in weird situations: "Brandy, can you shave my vag..." My response: "Umm, sure". Did I go through with it? No! That would have been wrong, lol. Okay, I think I strayed off my point. Did I have a point? I guess I just wanted to say that I'm glad I found a good friend that I can confide in. You know who you are, punk! ^_^

This Is The Part I Hate

I was able to conceal the sadness I felt inside, at least until I got home. Now, I sit on my bed and think about my day. This is the part I hate. I hate thinking about how stupid I looked today. The laughs. The pat on the head. What the fuck is wrong with me? Better yet, what the fuck is wrong with him?! I thought he liked me. I was wrong. He couldn't be attracted to me. People that like each other are nice and flirt with one another. He doesn't even try. His friend does all the flirting and it makes me uncomfortable. I bet he didn't even notice that I was trying to look cute for him. I shouldn't have done that. I feel like such a fool.

Fail.

Shuffling

Yesterday, I saw my brother watching this video on YouTube. I didn't know what shuffling was until then. It's awesome! I actually tried it. They make it look so easy. That shit is fucken hard. Props to those who have mastered it! ^_^

I Kissed Him, Again!

Well, in my dream anyway, ha ha! Why did I do it? Is my subconscious telling me something? Do I seriously have feelings for this guy? I don't understand myself most of the time. I get this funny feeling in my chest when I think about him. I need to check myself. He probably doesn't even like me. I was mean to him. Ah, whatever. I guess I'll just have to live with the "what if" feeling. I wonder if I ever come out in people's dreams.

Religious Contradiction

What's with all the paths to salvation? Why does life have to be so complicated? I was baptised Catholic when I was a baby. I could have gone without that though. Since my parents are loose with the religion, I've been raised with an obscure idea of God and the devil. I remember as a kid my parents would tell me that if I misbehaved, the "cucuy" was going to take me. I would run around scared, crying that I was going to behave. I promised. Out of curiosity, I just googled this word; it says that the "cucuy" is the Mexican boogey man. I always thought it meant the devil. Anyway, my affiliation with this religion has always been loose. I was told to believe in Jesus. That he is God and he can save me from hell when I died. I was told that I was protected by angels and that I should pray to my guardian angel. I only know two prayers. I doubt I say them correctly. Does it matter?! Does this mean my prayers were never heard? Hmm.

Alright, so what's the point? Why am I writing this? I don't know. I guess to know if others have had this same experience. How have others dealt with it? I just always felt weird about it. I don't go to church. Actually, I can count the times I've been to church. I would say about eight times since I was born. I've only read Genesis. I wear a Rosary my mother bought me. It was blessed in Rome, if you even care. I just googled "Rosary", I didn't even know I had to pray to it! I just rubbed it like a magic lamp, hoping my wishes would come true. Okay, so I watch too many cartoons, but what was I supposed to think? My parents don't even know how to use it!

This brings me to my beliefs. I believe in a higher power, in energy that we can manipulate, but I definitely don't believe in the church. I don't have to go to church to be told what is good. I can make my own decisions and recognize right from wrong. I don't know what to think about religion. A friend introduced me to Nichiren Buddhism and I've been chanting on and off for a few months. It centers me. I told my mom about my chanting and she freaked out. I know it's because she doesn't understand it. She told me that I was going to hell if I didn't believe in Jesus. I was like, "What the fuck?"

I know God has many names; Is Jesus one of them? Is he the higher power? I heard he was just a prophet sent to earth from God. If he is the source, then I can say I believe in Jesus, right? Can I chant and believe in God too? I'm not so sure. It's complicated, because when I chant, I am not praying to an external being to act in my favor, rather I am chanting to the energy within myself and trying to reach enlightenment. If I chant, then that means I can't believe in God? Or, does it mean that since I am chanting to the energy within me, that God gave me, technically, I am able to do both? Is this rational? Life is all about contradictions. I think I'm going to live with this contradiction until I die. I wonder what will happen after I die: Will Jesus save me? Will I go to hell? Will I be reincarnated with good karma?

Ah, too many questions!!

Teen Baby Shower

I'm going to my second cousin's baby shower tonight. She's seventeen, I think. I rather watch sharks bite the crap out of surfers all night, than go celebrate her misfortune. Alright, so you can tell I don't like her. Well, it's not that I don't like her specifically, I don't like pregnant teens in general. Their irresponsibility pisses me off. She, like my sisters, are going to suffer emotionally and financially because of this. Thinking about the children makes me sad. They never asked to be brought to this hell hole. Sigh.

Shark Week on Discovery

Sharks scare the shit out of me! I tend to stay away from the water when I go to the beach. I like learning about them though. They are so interesting! I'm watching 10 Deadliest Sharks right now. You should watch it too and learn something.

Ooh, I made a shark! Look:   > ,^ ;>

Daft Punk

I love these songs. Awesome videos.

Around the World
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9MszVE7aR4

Technologic
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoPplpBPQxQ

One More Time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGBhQbmPwH8

The World

Do people accept the world as it is, even though they don't agree with it, because they are told it's impossible to change? What if I did the same? Is this what you're doing? You really believe you can't make a difference? Life has no meaning if you're not contributing to the development of the world. Deep down, I need to believe I can create change, but I can't do it alone.

Must We Live Under Capitalism?

Capitalism is greed. Greed is human nature, right? Well, at least that's what some argue. So, does this mean we must live under Capitalism?

For centuries politicians have run for office claiming they will make a difference; they promise to make changes that will better the living conditions of the people they represent. Though I can't deny that there have been improvements, mostly due to revolutionary action by the masses, there has not been a significant effort to decrease the poverty level, in my opinion. Soon there will be no middle class. People will either be dirt poor or fitly rich. Is this the type of world we want to live in? I don't.

Why are we so divided? I've come to notice that this division of the working class is not an accident. It's a tool used by capitalist to keep the workers from uniting and fighting against abuse. Did you know that, yeah, though society eliminated one form of slavery, we all are still wage slaves?! The amount of money we get paid divides us. As a people, we are divided in numerous ways: wage, race, sex, culture, religion, language, education, social status, geographic location, etc. All of these are in every society, not just capitalist states, but these same things, due to the media under capitalism, are pushed to create stereotypes and hate for ourselves and others. This keeps people fighting with each other and never realizing the power they have as a collective. Workers keep getting exploited with no way of fighting back. I wonder if I'm making any sense.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing my thoughts on capitalism is because I read an article on Forbes.com rationalizing the morality of capitalism. Many of the logic it used to explain it's morality was bullshit, at least based on what I know and have been learning. I understand that it's human nature to be competitive, but it's also human nature to want to contribute, be humanitarians, and thus advance society. It's not due to capitalism itself that society has advanced, like the author of the article, "How Moral Is Capitalism", explains. Since there is no way to go back in time and test out an entirely different system, with the result of the test being that capitalism is in fact the better system and that it is the reason for all the innovation, I think this idea can't be proven and it's stupid. Humans are naturally inclined to create and innovate things if there is a need for it. I don't believe that inovation would end if capitalism declined. Does money really have to be a motivator to produce?

My final thought:
People that really want to change society need to understand that reform doesn't work. Capitalism is impossible to fix. It is flawed and rotten to the core. Or, is there hope of equality? Can capitalism be made into a system that benefited and assisted the people that keep it from crumbling, the workers? I doubt it. What do you think?

One Person Can Start A Revolution

I know my last post upset some people, but I could care less. I was laughing out loud the whole time. I know others with my sense of humor also enjoyed it. Blogging is the coolest thing, man. People that don't typically express themselves verbally, can do so anonymously on the web.

I'm actually looking forward to writing more blogs like that. Not about vaginas, but about real life. I'm interested in the human experience. I have this theory. I know I am only one person, but if I am open about my experiences, feelings, and thoughts, others will feel safe enough to do the same and thus exposing the human mind. We are so complex!

If I had a super power, it would be to get inside and understand the mind. Impossible, but awesome! I hope my small seemingly insignificant blog is appearing on screens. In a few years, it could be viewed by people all across the world. My words could actually have an effect on others. Okay, I might be giving myself too much worth, but it's possible. One person can start a revolution. History tells us this.

Vagin- ahh!

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Has God Left Us?

Obviously, I wasn't in my room reading that book on ethics. Instead, I went to hang out in my back yard. On my walk, I found this booklet. I usually hide when church people knock on the door, so I'm wondering how this got here. Perhaps they left it on the door step, but the wind blew it to the back yard? Well, it doesn't really matter. I just left it there.

Ethics, huh?

Alright, so I haven't been doing anything productive lately. I've just been lazing around the house, sick. But at least I started reading. I actually took an Ethics course at my community college two years ago. I got a B. I never even read the book the professor assigned! Yeah, I know. Shame on me. This is why I've decided to read it now. I'm transferring to UC Berkeley in the spring. I should have some background in ethics, right? Anyway, it's interesting. Ethics. I just wish I wouldn't doze off after every few paragraphs. I can't help it!

Tell Me How You Feel, Damn it!

Why do people feel the need to conceal their feelings? I suppose they don't want to seem weak. If that's the case, does it make me any more vulnerable, then say, you, for saying how I feel all the time? Come on now. We're human; we bleed, we feel! What's wrong with society, man? I guess it's always been like this. Perhaps, people don't want to seem ignorant by expressing their personal feelings, so they just express their opinons on matters. I have a few friends like that. They want to keep an image of intellect, so they just discuss issues that don't deal with feelings really. It's so annoying, because I'm curious about how they feel and not what they think. There's a difference, you know, between feelings and opinons, though opinons have some feelings to them. Anyway, my point is that bottled up feelings kill! I don't know about you, but I rather grab my feelings from deep inside and throw them at you- let them smack you in the face, than let them take over my mind. LOL! Yeah, that's selfish of me. I stress you out, but I feel better. If you ask me, your not expressing yourself is going to be the death of you! Let that soak in...

Have a good night!

Updated Blog Design

Ooh, my blog doesn't look boring anymore. Maybe people will actually read it now, LOL! Blogger has some great designs all of a sudden. I know I'm attracted to blogs with cool designs. Of course, many of them end up dissapointing me, but I still like looking at them. ^_^

I Won't Open My Mouth...You'd Like That, Wouldn't You?!

There are so many mean things I could say, but I'll just stay quiet today. I won't open my mouth. My words won't strike your fragile ego and shatter it, like bullets to glass. I wish I could figure out why you do the things you do. Why do you hurt those that love you most? Why don't you care about the consequences to your actions? Why do you only care about yourself? Your children are secondary to the men in your life. You disgust me. I wish I could understand you. Do I want to understand you? You are so lost in this world.  Maybe, I should just give up on you, black sheep. You're a lost cause! Can I be this cruel? Or, am I in my right? You have left me raged and emotionally drained, like a wounded animal in the wood. I don't think you will ever change, and I don't think I could ever forgive you.

Things I Love

I love the smell of damp earth,
the colors of the yawning sky,
rainbows after rainy days,
walks under the moonlight,
but nothing compares
to that warm love deep inside
I feel when I see
that sparkle in your eyes.

By: Brandy Ruiz

I'm Sick

Out of nowhere, I'm sick! This sucks. My throat burns and my stomach hurts. Today is the second day of feeling like shit. Atleast I woke up to the smell of tomatoe soup. My mom spoils me. I'm so greatful for my family. I'm going to miss them deeply. Who's going to take care of me when I transfer to UC Berkeley? I'm going to try not to get sick. Yeah, like my immune system is on check like that. Oh, well. I guess I just have to suck it up.

Little Hands

I dedicate this poem to my niece Delilah, since she inspired it.

Little hand wrapped around my finger,
I feel the warmth of your unconditional love,
I will be on your side always,
please, don't out grow me.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Eyes

I found the following poem in my office as I cleared my desk of personal items. It is to my attention, but the author is unknown. I wonder who wrote it...tell me or else!

Her eyes look over, half covered by lids
They slice
They slice through heart
They slice through souls
They sculpt a smile to return
Those glorious twin globes
She calls her eyes.

There was a note with it:
Hey, just want you to know I have no hard feelings. Here is a poem you inspired recently. It's been great getting to know you these past few days.

SOCIETY with MEANS

It seems like I could never get sufficient answers. Everyday seems black until I force myself to seek truth. After today, I've figured that the only way to make sense of the social issues we face in the present, is to understand the events and facts of the past. History has always interested me, but I never knew how to use it. I know understand its significance. It is used to predict and strategize for the future. No wonder this fast paced society keeps the masses extra educated and uneducated. If people don't know their history, they have no means of understanding and changing their current conditions. Isn't it interesting how people all around the world know American history, but its citizens and the really graspy citizens are fixing the prices?

Anyway, you've heard that history repeats itself, right? Well, the part of history I'm interested in is already taking place. People are tired of the internet that is Capitalism and are open to different ideas. If you're not, then answer this: Under Capitalism, can there be equality, meaning no racism, sexism, or division of the masses? Of course not! Do we need this to happen? That's up for discussion. Capitalism needs to keep the masses divided for it to function; it divides the working class using race, sex, and wage. We are all wage slaves; working includes management and we are all workers and if we saw the world that way, there would be no borders to close. The rhetoric does offend disabled and mentally unhealthy people. How would international relations be like? I wish I knew. But what I do know is that I truly care in Capitalism. No reform will change its "blood thirsty" nature. Only fun escalates it so to be serious. It's accused of being the best beast that only exploits and destroys the people for profit. Well. Does it die for your well being? That is left for discussion.

"The Other Mother".

The days grow longer and stressful. The heat doesn't help my mood either. I hardly ever leave home. The children are the only thing on my mind. Of course they have mothers, my sisters. But seriously, they can't even wash a pan to fry an egg! If I don't cook and feed my nieces and nephew, okay it's true that mom probably would, but still. My sisters live in their own world. They need to get their shit together. This summer I've dubbed myself "The other mother".

I know my sisters neglect their kids on purpose. They know either mom or I will be there to do what they don't. And perhaps it's my fault. I haven't allowed them to be responsible? Nah, I'm just a sucker. Anyone else would be like, "Fuck you, take care of your own damn kids!" But I can't. I always imagine the worst. What would happen to them if I wasn't available to care for their kids, you know? Maybe if I backed off my sisters would become responsible. Yeah, right. And soon we'll have world peace and I would be able to touch a star! I wish. They would probably just continue staring at themselves in the mirror, talking on the phone for hours about random things, than give their kids a sandwich. This is so sad. I'm not saying I'm perfect and have my shit together, because believe me, I really don't!

Anyway, I could continue this rant, but I won't. And although my sisters are extremely inconsiderate and use me all the time, I love them. I just wish they would focus their energy on interacting with their kids instead of straighting their hair and taking Myspace pictures. Society is so fucked up, man! Oh, and before you call me a hypocrite, I can actually do this, because unlike them, I haven't carelessly created life and must now nurture it. Booyah! ^_^

Portrait

I can never think of another,
While I’m with you I walk on clouds,
The simplest of words get caught in my throat,
like a fish hooked on a line.

Why’s it so hard for me to breath?
I’m struggling for release,
An upset Cupid pulled the trigger,
to prove love is true.

Now I look like a portrait,
My smile’s fixed on you,
Eyes reveal my desire,
And there’s nothing I can do!

By: Brandy Ruiz

Time to Evolve

The space around me is insignificant,
if you could only dream my dreams,
millions of hands would create
many wondrous things.
The world's system could evolve,
like the creatures on this earth.
Will that mean the end?
That question's absurd!

By: Brandy Ruiz

Escape into Myself

The tangled mess inside my head
uncoiled like denatured protein,
of course I was not dead,
but live in the moment.
The ill thoughts had vanished,
like the morning mist when the sun rises;
I was free to explore
the depths of my mind.
My throat was warm with smoke,
I will never forget the high,
lips tingled with each puff,
a cool cloud was inside.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Snail

A neighbor gave my mom a plant from his garden the other day and I noticed a small creature on it. I picked up my camera and flashed away. As I did this, it came out of it's shell! I had never seen a snail up close before. It's odd looking, isn't it?

Seagulls Fly

I went to Dockweiler Beach today and took this picture. Perhaps it's due to the freedom of these seagulls, but I fell in love. Ah, how I wish I had wings and could soar above the sea, with them. Alas, it shall only be whilst I dream.

Insatiable Girl

The insatiable beast lures all
with little resistance
as she presents the fruit;
it's not as sweet as she would like,
but they eat it anyway.
Her heart is as sweet
though a mere seed,
the potential is there,
awaiting nurture.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Pencil to Paper

Pencil to paper is all I have
to release the wild thoughts
that cling to my mind
like flees do flesh;
It's a painful process,
one I endure alone,
those that know me
will never understand.

By: Brandy Ruiz

¿Aun sigue pensando en mi?

Me pregunto si realmente yo le rompi su corazón, como él dice que lo hice. Lo dudo. Es verdad que yo era insensible, pero ¿qué podía hacer?! Sus sentimientos fueron expresados en un momento inoportuno. No esperaba eso de el! Tal vez algún día encontrare amor; pero por hoy, no voy a pensar mucho de eso. Voy a siguer la corriente de la vida. Mi destino? Esta por determinarse, pero yo se que esta escrito.

Freeway

The colors filled with life
move at various speeds,
determined to reach their destiny,
they stop for no one.
I'm intrigued!
Are they just like me?

By: Brandy Ruiz

The Day

I must be spinning out of control,
for the colors seem to swirl,
a question pops into mind,
why don't I just resign?

By: Brandy Ruiz

Young Entrepreneur

You say the sweat on your brow is not worth it,
you think you already run on empty,
but then the boss reminds you,
promotion to cashier is next week,
and that’s where the big bucks are,
so you keep stocking shelves,
and dreaming of the big house with the white picket fence.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Bloody Pockets

Your empty pockets burn greedily,
like the groins of a pedophile loitering near playgrounds,
and your life is spent seeking profit,
you even steal from those that can.
It’s humorous to see you go home every night,
you think you’re a saint.
If only you knew that you revel with our blood!
But it’s not like you would care anyhow,
for in your mind the worldly possessions compensate
the bloody trail that follows you to bed.

By: Brandy Ruiz

The Inevitable War

The slow and cruel night,
will not be mourned;
it will not signify the end,
for the people will bask in the freedoms
of the first light.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Money vs Life

I just noticed that most people spend their entire life just trying to survive. My parents are an example of this sad fate. They can’t live, for fear of dying on the streets without a penny to their name. Why should my parents waste precious seconds of their life stressing over money? I’m sure they can find hundreds of better things to do. I don’t think anyone deserves to skip meals in order to pay bills. It seems that their life has forever been marked with grief and poverty for simply being born. I don’t think that anyone should suffer their entire life, like they have, because they are not “American”; especially if they work hard and contribute to the state. What the fuck is “American” anyway? I was born in Los Angeles California and I live a difficult life. Perhaps it is because geographically, I am “American”, but socially, I am still just a “Mexican”. I think these labels, fabricated by the upper one percent of society, is a load of shit. It’s not just greedy white folks contributing to discriminatory laws, but the top one percent of every country. I think the system has been meticulously structured so that all beings, that were not born rich, fail. The sickening part, however, is that there are people that are aware of the struggle, but rather live complacently with the dream, that odds are, will never manifest itself, than speak for those that fear. How dead must we be whilst we breathe, for us to finally raise our voice and say that we have suffered enough and would risk it all to see that others are given the chance to live? Who can be happy in a society that values money over life? I know I can’t. Can you?

Through the Glass

I'm afraid of the faces
that smile at me through the glass,
I can't trust them.
Would you?
The eyes don't blink,
but follow my every move,
I stare back at them blankly,
nervously.
My touch leaves no prints;
So why must they keep me here?
Do they just get pleasure from watching me struggle?
Another will soon share my fate,
I shall be free when they start watching him.

By: Brandy Ruiz

The End...or the Beginning?

Yesterday was my last day as Student Body President of my community college. Today I am ex-officio President, basically, a has-been. It's time for me to move on. Student government has been my life for two and a half years. Yeah, pathetic, I know. But at least I made some great friends and was part of a movement. Now I need to focus on fulfilling my contract agreement with UC Berkeley, so I can successfully transfer this coming spring. I also need to focus on myself. Maybe I'll take this time to find love. Yeah, right! I must be crazy!! Let's take a step way back! How about I learn how to drive instead? Yeah, that sounds like a plan. LOL!

Label Me A Failure

I did everything and have nothing to show for it. What a pity. I could have done nothing and stripped others of their glory, like many did with me, but I didn't. Perhaps I’m a fool. I wonder if I will make it in this world. Anyway, soon I will no longer be in a position of power. I will be ordinary once again; and actually, I can’t wait! Finally, I will be free of the rules that bind me like a book. The ideas expressed will be my own and I shall savor every word, like if it was my last. If making it in this world means doing and saying what others expect me to, I would rather be labeled a failure.

The Chore

The knife is my hand,
and it feels so good.
They don't make a run for it,
they just stay put, there, acting lifeless.
Nothing has a chance to escape!
They fear me...
"Mom, I'm done cutting the vegetables!"

By: Brandy Ruiz

Recycle

I am the trash that attracts
the worst type of grime,
as I tumble aimlessly towards the gutter.
You don't bother to see me, here, falling.
Why don't you try to pick me up?
Are you really that selfish?
In any case, I'll remain here waiting;
dreaming of being lifted and recycled
so I can start over.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Brandy Pandy

A friend of mine wrote the following poem yesterday. He said it was a gift for my birthday, which is tomorrow. It's about me. He is always trying to psycho analyze me. My lack of self-confidence must had been his inspiration, lol. Anyway, enjoy.

The timid eyes, without shaken pride,

she hides from all that lies, but can’t hide the fight,

but it’s because of the fight, that she hides in plain sight.

The idea is there, but what are the words?

The idea without expression, how absurd!

That’s stupid, that sucks, and that swallows;

so behind my screen I release my sorrows.

Why do I do this?

I don’t know.

Don’t ask me questions, just leave me alone!

But read my words, I swear this is me.

The laughter, the innocent smile,

why can’t you see that it’s only skin deep.

I retreat into myself.

Friend to lost souls and misfits,

sibling to the gross, sweet souls,

so I pretend to give a shit.

They depend on me, but I wasn’t ready.

They can’t blame me, fuck them.

It’s not my fault their judgment wasn’t steady,

But the truth is, I’m bright as a nova.

The party revolves around me, about me, for me,

I AM the next generation!

The quiet idea will scream loud,

as the timid brings you to your knees.

I will hide no more when the quiet tide turns to my favor.

“Are you ready for more?” will be my threat to all the haters.

By: Scott Stamler

Tumbleweed

I speak
but the words don’t sound,
they're too controversial,
so I’m tuned out.
They're not thinking for themselves,
for their minds have been tampered with;
lies of liberty, justice, and the American dream,
cloud their independent thought.
It seems they rather die
dependent and deprived,
than fight for truth,
given that my words are simply tossed
into the wind.
There they blow!
The letters tangled and dry,
a tumbleweed comes to mind.

By: Brandy Ruiz

I'm Normal Again!

I got a Monroe and tounge piercing today. I haven't had either for acouple of years. It feels good to be back to normal. I felt so weird without them. The pain was tolerable; I actually enjoyed the experience. Hi, me from the future, I have two lip piercings but no piercing! I had to take them off.

Mother's Garden

In her garden time withers
like the nameless plant
she despises.
She's the creator,
there, fixated on the moist soil
she concentrates her magic;
her fingertips smooth over the earth,
as her eyes feast on the rich colors
of the flowers, tomatoes, chili peppers, and basil,
all of which never smelled as sweet,
as they do today.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Resiste! by La Resistencia

Viva Ska!

I love this song! La Misma, by Red Store Bums!

A Bad Friend

I am reflecting and realizing that I have been ignoring everyone that is not in my family. Is this that defense mechanism I created years ago as means for emotional survival?

I have heard that there are other people besides your family that care about you and what you do. Friends, they call them. I have friends, right? I think I do. I have been told that I do. If they are my friends, certainly then, they would understand, that I am afraid and that I have been afraid.

Honestly, I feel that I won’t see any of them again. Maybe I'm trying to give myself an excuse; If I’m bad enough, then that would be why they aren’t speaking to me once we graduate, and not because life has decided to separate us. We are all going to have different lives. That's a good thing, right? I'm not so sure. I fear time will force us apart. In a few years, we would no longer know we exist! Will I be losing a big part of me?

I feel that I have no control! I am struggling for control?! Is this why I am acting the way I am? If so, why have I decided on the destructive path? Is it easier? Maybe. But I have hurt many with this mentality. This just goes to show, I can't be a good friend.

I don't understand why my friends just don't leave me though. They are not obligated to struggle with me, yet they do. I know they deserve better, so what should I do? It is obvious that I am wrong. One of my friends called me out on my bullshit. She is right; I have been cruel. I have been beating friendships senseless since I acknowledged their existence. Why? If only I was brave enough to tell them, that I love them, and I am going to miss them all very much. Alas, it's days like today that I wish I lived in a hole as dark as me.