Sunday Sun

Strong Sunday sun,
kiss my skin, your warmth beloved,
my body glows, the time goes slow
as I lay under you -
but shall I awake, with my skin ablaze,
like chili peppers burn my mouth,
I will hate you!

By: Brandy Ruiz

The Envelope

My whole family gathered around my dad, who was on his typical Saturday evening routine; He sat on a large brown leather chair watching “the game” and playing online poker on my lap top. The envelope waived in my mother’s hand like a flag. She held it excitedly. I held it for a second. She grabbed it from my hands and placed it in my father’s lap with a smile. He fumbled with the envelope. “It’s not the big envelope”, I said. “It looks full though”, my dad responded optimistically. After creating tension, he opened it. He looked at it for about five seconds, he mumbled something, and tossed the letter towards me. I didn’t get into USC.

I read the rejection letter twice. 9,200 transfer students applied and 75% of them were rejected. The average GPA of students admitted was a 3.7, which I had. I must admit that I was slightly disappointed for not getting in. I wanted to be the one doing the rejecting! LOL! I wasn’t going to accept their admission offer anyway. I feel it's fate. I’m meant to leave this house, this city, this reality. I’m destined for greater things... UC Berkeley is where it's at!

Love

Because of you, in gardens of blossoming
Flowers I ache from the perfumes of spring.
I have forgotten your face, I no longer
Remember your hands; how did your lips
Feel on mine?

Because of you, I love the white statues
Drowsing in the parks, the white statues that
Have neither voice nor sight.

I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice;
I have forgotten your eyes.

Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to
My vague memory of you. I live with pain
That is like a wound; if you touch me, you will
Make to me an irreperable harm.

Your caresses enfold me, like climbing
Vines on melancholy walls.

I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to
Glimpse you in every window.

Because of you, the heady perfumes of
Summer pain me; because of you, I again
Seek out the signs that precipitate desires:
Shooting stars, falling objects.

- Pablo Neruda

The Wait

The trees don't grow
the branches strong,
but I hold on, with hunger,
and continue my search
for the sweet fruit, few find,
few find.

By: Brandy Ruiz

In Blackwater Woods

At the Creative Writing Club meeting yesterday, our advisor quoted the poem "In Blackwater Woods" by Mary Oliver before ending the meeting. I really liked it and decided to share the entire poem with you.

Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars

of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,

the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders

of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is

nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned

in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side

is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

Today's Quote

That man is not truly brave who is afraid either to seem or to be, when it suits him, a coward.

- Edgar Allan Poe

Lovers

The hills turn green as we arrive,
but we pay them no mind
and lay on them still,
as no one but we
show them our love,
‘tis the reason they loathe us.

By: Brandy Ruiz

The Promise

I'm your target, yet again
you strike me, and for now
I fake defeat,
chance will come
and I shall prove myself,
like you did.

By: Brandy Ruiz

What is a Haiku?

I've actually heard of this type of poem before, but had never read or wrote one. This is my best attempt.

Tender rainfall cease
Flourish again sweet flower
Young hummingbird sips

By: Brandy Ruiz

Silence

A friend died winter 2008. I wrote this poem later that year.

Distress tugs at my heart
like an eager leech,
my vision slightly blurs
and it's hard for me to breathe.
Incapable of saying goodbye,
I want to weep, weep, and weep-
but I don't make a sound.
The world falls silent
and I am at a loss for words,
unable to understand it,
the world seems to spin backwards.
Powerless to gravity,
my tears moisten the dirt
as my hands grasp the sweet grass-
yet, I can't make a sound.
As I solemnly lay,
it feels like lavas
flowing through my veins,
and my iron heart melts
with each beat it takes.
I long for the day
when we'll see each other again.
I will not say goodbye-
I refuse to!

By: Brandy Ruiz

Break For Hope

Another sleepless night,
as my oppressor rings,
cling- cling- clang-
I must resist the sound,
and break free of these shackles
that shriek as I try for hope-
it’s like running from myself,
but no longer can I ignore, this misery
that appears in all thoughts,
like dark clouds over mountain tops,
my every move is cloaked.
Freedom is a mile away
but it’s a risk that I must take;
tonight is opportune
to flee from what I know.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Mock Me Not Time!

The papers multiply
by the second;
they spread over my desk
like bacteria.
Are you my critic?
Mock me not time!
The pen trembles to your might,
tick- tick- tick-
my heart beats with fear.
Will I die?

 By: Brandy Ruiz

A Few Quotes

Don't waste your life in doubts and fears: spend yourself on the work before you, well assured that the right performance of this hour's duties will be the best preparation for the hours or ages that follow it.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly.
-Lanston Hughes
 
Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.
-Albert Einstein

I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure--which is:
Try to please everybody.
-Herbert Bayard Swope

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
-W.C. Fields

Do You Believe In Ghost?

I don’t typically watch scary movies, mainly because they remind me of my childhood, but today I saw two! I’ve actually seen one of these before, so I knew when to wince. I’m somewhat morbid, but I can’t watch a scary movie and laugh about it after. A piece of it stays with me. It’s rather creepy actually. I get this feeling; I become aware again. As a child, the line between “worlds” blurred. I still remember the sounds, the visions, the crying. The years have gone by, yet I can’t seem to forget. I blame my mother. She reminds me when she feels the negative energy around us. I act like I don’t know what she’s talking about, but inside I’ve already sensed it. My stomach turns and I tense up. There’s nothing I can do about it. This is my life. This is me. I just smile and keep walking, knowing.

If I Can Stop One Heart from Breaking

I have questioned my life plenty of times, more so recently. I realize that I am of fragile spirit and can get depressed fairly quickly; actually, as easily as a thought develops. This poem by Emily Dickinson fills me with promise and relieves me of misconceptions of myself.

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T

Is this really happening?! I'm still in awe. Am I’m really going to be studying at UC Berkeley spring of 2011?! Well, once I comply with the deadlines for additional paperwork and complete requested courses, such as Chemistry, “Hell yeah, I’m going to Cal!” I am extremely overjoyed by the way my life is rerouting, like a GPS, trying to navigate the best route to the main destination. I have adapted to this change quickly, a skill of mine, and am making the best of it. I am going to be of great value to whatever discipline I end up studying.
Listening to:
Webbie - "Independent"

What's My Worth?

I'm so angry and frustrated. Does any of this really matter? Are my feelings, concerns, or actions significant? Who is judging me, besides myself, anyhow? Who cares?! No one! In the end, no one will care about what I have done or who I have helped. I suppose the only thing that will matter is what I know, or what I don’t.

No Love For Me?

I told him that I was no longer interested in him. Why? Do I really lose interest this quickly? Is it my fault or is it his? Will I be able to have a relationship with anyone? I can't answer these questions and it worries me. Perhaps I am too busy to fall in love. Work dissipates fantasy; there is no time to think of anything, but the task at hand. Will this be my fate?

Bruin to Golden Bear

The tears streaked my face last night. I only had to read it once. It’s probably the best thing that has ever happened to me though. Deep in my heart, a desire for independence slept; suppressed by fear of incompetence and rejection. UC Berkeley is, I am sure, where I am destined to be for the next few years and not UCLA. I am looking forward to new experiences, friendships, and lessons to satisfy my curiosity. I am but a few months away from transferring there and I can’t wait. I was admitted for Spring 2011, which means I will remain at my current community college for the Fall 2010 semester. My dad is right! All of this is happening for a reason. The universe has heard my wishes and it is allowing me to live them.

The Usual

Another day in the office,

the voices fill my head, ache.

Ouch!

Through the chatter,
I see what's the matter;

it’s almost time,

run!

By: Brandy Ruiz

Everyone Dances! Right?!

I stare in awe when I see people dance; their body speaks to me. I wonder what they are thinking, though, as they make their next move. Are they counting steps? Are they thinking about what the audience would like to see? Do they care that I am looking at them? These all might seem like stupid questions; however, for me they are of great interest. Why do people dance? Is it due to a feeling of extreme joy or sorrow and thus must express it physically? I guess I won’t know until I do it myself. Yes, I do not dance! I suppose it’s mainly due to fear of ridicule. I also might not have any rhythm, but I won’t know until I try it. Actually, now that I think about it, I’ve tried dancing by myself in my room before. That didn’t work out so well. I didn’t know what I was doing or even how to start. It was so awkward. I was embarrassed for myself! Anyhow, below is a music video that a friend showed me two days ago. It's awesome! It’s been stuck in my head since.

I Try to Get High, High, High, Everyday!

What should I do to rid myself of this pain? Pop a pill or two to stop the ache? Or maybe a drink will make it all go away. No, there must be a better way to deal with this pressure. I don’t intend to do any drugs though. My mind has control over any malady, according to my friend Eileen. If only others could see. I can safely say that thinking and writing gets me high. I live for the moment of “Aha!"

A Thought in the Fast Lane

The entire semester, my last at a community college, I have procrastinated celebrating the idea of graduation and transfer. I have been accepted to UCSD, UCSB, UCLA, and UC Berkeley, and yet, no joy. Each time I opened “the big envelope” or read an e-mail notification, I stared blankly, as if hoping it were not true. Why am I feeling like this? Am I afraid? I kick my feelings around with a close friend everyday, seeking reason for existence. I suppose that I, like everyone else, have my doubts and don't fully trust in myself. It's strange, because I am surrounded by friends and family, yet, I feel so alone and disoriented. I wonder if this even makes sense! I wish time would stand still for a moment. I want to go at a snail's pace; at least he can enjoy the pleasures of life. I, I am rushing, I wonder why.

Friends in the Dark

I was alone with a friend recently.

Hello stranger,

the night shields our truth.

We stare from across the room.

Am I sensing lust?

In your heart can I trust?

Will you whisper sweet words?

Tell how much you adore, me.

Dark hands on brown skin,

string my heart, like your guitar,

make me fall with you, in love.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Integrity

Why is it so difficult for people to follow through with what they say? This concept of integrity has been ingrained in my mind, by a close friend, which makes it a challenge to contradict. I am not even close to completing college and have noticed that I am wearing down dealing with insignificant issues. I am in “fuck-it” mode right now. She made me aware of this yesterday in a conversation we had via text. She always brings me back to reality. Sometimes that makes me mad. It's easy to start your own world and forget about the present. I am blessed to have a friend like her. She is almost always right. I can't blame anyone but myself for my actions. I am in control of the outcome.

Take A Risk

I just found myself remembering this guy I had feelings for. I was afraid of the feelings that I was developing for him, so I rejected them and lied to myself about liking him. I see now that this fear has been holding me back and not allowing me to establish close relationships. Anyway, I'm conscious of the walls I have built around myself and I'm aware that I am slowly breaking them down. I wrote the poem below for that guy.

My love for him grows each day,
so I push him away;
I bite my tongue to not say,
"I love you",
and it hurts me so to let him go;
but I cannot bear another heartache.

By: Brandy Ruiz

My Mother's Touch

My mother has been the driving force in my life. I wrote the following poem to describe how my mother's struggle has influenced me greatly.

She knits in several shades,

each stitch as if her last,

Her hands are calculative;

fingers in an elegant dance.

Her ideals gleam in bright patches,

a few scraps spoiled with regret,

a life time of knitting my quilt,

the one in which I must rest.

Some soft and some rough,

out of reach as they may seem,

these pieces I touch and understand,

Her hope I must redeem.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Dear Heart

She calls to you,

like the bird calls the worm;

with persistence

to devour you whole.

Do not fall prey!

Flee from her love;

her milky skin,

her silken touch.

Need I remind!

Her amity you wish not!

For she slithers through you

like an angry pest;

eager for release and— vengeance.

By: Brandy Ruiz

Leave It Alone

Leave it alone!

Nothing you can do or say will change his mind;

You are no longer in control

of his thoughts.

Let the sand of time

drop a grain in your favor;

touch his lips with your tips,

fingers smooth over his back-

make it a night to remember.

By: Brandy Ruiz