Cleaned Out My Closet

I couldn’t have chose a better day to literally clean out my closet. I’ve had books, academic papers, exams, shoes, clothes, computer accessories, and my treasure chest all piled on top of each other on the top part of my closet for months now! I can’t believe how much of a pack rat I’ve become! Or, should I say I’ve just been busy…too busy to clean? Yeah, lets go with that one! LOL! Nah, no excuses! I would pull away from the idea of organizing it whenever I remembered how much crap was actually in it. I was just lazy. But today, for some strange reason, I had the urge to clean it out. Maybe I felt like doing it because it’s New Years Eve and I wanted a fresh start. Whatever the reason, I did it! It took me two hours. I’m proud of myself.

So, why am I making a big deal out of cleaning my stupid closet? Because I’ve actually been feeling so down lately I can almost say I was in a slight depression. Why? Because my entire family has been sick. My nieces had pneumonia. My mom, brother, sisters, and I have had a cold for about a week. Worst yet, my father has been bedridden since the day after Christmas. He had pneumonia and is now having complications due to his Diabetes. It’s hard for me to see him take so many pills and still be in such pain. I’ve almost felt like I wasn’t going to get any cleaning, organizing, and packing done before Move-in Day at Cal on Jan. 12th, 2011, because of my worrying about his health. He woke up looking better today though, which is why I think I got motivated to pack some items up. I need to stay positive and shower my home with positive energy. He will heal soon. I will make sure of that. I’m looking forward to the new year. This year, 2010 has been stressful, yet productive. I will make the new year, 2011, productive and  fun!! I wish you all a very healthy and happy New Year!! Love ya! ~Bee

One Love

It’s the day after finals. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I caught something, a type of flu, I think, the night I stayed up cramming for the Chemistry final. I’m sure my immune system was down because of the stress to finish this semester strong. The lack of sleep, anxiety, and pressure to excel made me susceptible to poor health. It’s actually been messing with my thoughts and overall mood. However, though I’ve been sick, I took all my final exams with an extreme determination to earn the highest grade. This semester I took Chemistry, Social Psychology, Sociology, and Library Science. More than half of my time this semester was spent studying Chemistry. I am proud of myself. I never thought I would take a course in Chemistry, nor did I ever dream I would earn the best grade. Yeah, you read correctly. I got an “A” in Chemistry! The rest of my time was divided between the other classes; most of it went towards Sociology, then Social Psychology, and lastly Library Science. They were all challenging courses. I’ve never felt so pressured to learn. I’m glad that I have the mental capacity and social support to navigate through the bourgeoisie education system…I will end that there, since I don’t feel like ranting about social structures and inequality.


Changing topics, my friend is proud of me. She says that my magic is on! It’s true. I’ve been able to make thoughts materialize. She believes that we are pure energy and if we are positive in our thinking, do things that will lead to the ultimate goal we have, we can create the outcome. I’ve never forgotten what she’s told me, which is, “You are always in control.” I believe that we can make anything happen, if we work hard and believe in what we are doing. I trust that this developing consciousness of oneness will be the reason for my long, healthy, and positive life. I look forward to my life’s transition. In a few weeks, I will have new experiences, thoughts, and pieces to share. Keep me in your thoughts. I’ll keep you in mine. One love. Bee.

Extra Credit!

To get extra credit in my Library Science research course, I needed to create a web page, blog, or join a social network and post a few things on it. I decided that my blog would be the best place to post the links requested.

1. Graphic.

2. Tile on the top of the page.

3. Six linkable URLs to your class project topic:

Best Online Resources for Learning about Maladaptive Personality Disorders
http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/39/17/12
http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/persdisorders.html
http://www.merckmanuals.com/home/sec07/ch105/ch105a.html
http://www.healthofchildren.com/P/Personality-Disorders.html
http://www.nmha.org/go/information/get-info/personality-disorders
http://www.health.am/psy/personality-disorders/

4. Link to a news video:

Univision:Top-5-secrets-revealed-on-Wikileaks

5. An entry within the last month.

I'm Fucken Sick!

I don't ever remember being this sick! I have a massive head ache, stomach ache, and a sore throat. I woke up in a whimper this morning. The first thing I did was reach for some medicine. I can hardly utter a sound. That's how bad this thing is. I don't even know what to call what I have. Basically, I feel like I have a hangover, but I didn't drink any alcohol. I could sure use a drink right about now though.

Anyway, although I got sick Sunday night, as I crammed for the Chemistry final, I haven't allowed this "feeling like shit" thing get to me. I've taken three of four final exams. The last one is actually the easiest: Library Science. I haven't felt like posting anything these past few days because of exams. I will probably have less time to blog when I start attending Cal. I hope that's not the case.

It's Time!

I have a research paper due one Monday for Social Psychology that I have yet to start working on. Not to mention, I have two finals the day this paper is due: Social Psych. and Chem. which is the cause of my stress in more recent days. I can't believe that this semester is finished! I feel like I was physically in this world for the past few months, but my mind wasn't. As if, my thoughts have been frozen in time and are now awaken by fear. It's a strange and somewhat scary feeling. In this world, time means everything and nothing at the same time, you know. We are pressured to keep track of time and squeeze as many activities into an hour as possible so as to be or appear productive. But what does that mean, really? Does any of this "productivity" matter? We are always trying to please and impress others, but why? Why don't we strive to please ourselves and do the things that we like to do? Why must we be slaves to the time created by man? Shouldn't we live by our own interpretation of time and live peacefully? Is that even possible? ... It seems impossible!

Relationship Issues

I feel like my first relationship wasn't really a "relationship". What do I mean? I mean, it was more of a friendship with benefits than anything romantic or special. Honestly, I thought that was the type of relationship I wanted, but as I reflect back on it, all I have are empty memories. I felt shallow emotions for this guy and never anything real. I can't really explain what I was feeling, except that it was mostly sexual and not emotional. I was sexually frustrated, I think it's called. I confuse my thoughts and feelings. I guess that's a reason for my strange behavior, LOL!

So, what am I looking for? What do I need? I just want to be happy, man. Will anyone make me happy? I think that's where the problem resides. I need to find ways, things, to make myself happy before I can expect anyone else to. Right? I think I just resolved my own problem. I shouldn't get involved with anyone until I figure out what it is I like and need.

Entertain me! :)

What type of relationships do you seek? Do you look for meaningful relationships or fun one night stands? Which do you recommend? Does it depend on your mood or situation? What would you do in my situation?

It's a Grandpa Song

I was writing a post about a problem I was having when I heard my niece singing about random things. I decided to type down what I heard and sing it back to her, LOL! She's adorable! She named this piece, "Grandpa Song".

Grandpa was walking
and he was at work,
he was giving me coffee
and juice,
he was giving me coffee
and food,
smoothie too!
I didn't drink all of the drinks,
no, not lot of drinks, no!
Only one smoothie
because I get fat.

By: Diamond Hernandez

She Wasn't Drunk!

I guess my sister wasn't drunk. She was actually drugged by a guy at the bar in Hollywood. Damn, she's lucky to be alive!! I hope she learned her lesson. I know I've learned from her experience. Only time will tell. This isn't the first almost fatal incident she's found herself in. God, protect her! I'm scared for her.

I'm Surprised She's Alive!

I fell asleep at 3am today; I was cramming for my 3rd Chemistry Mid-term. I couldn't go back to sleep. Why? Because at 4:30am, I heard my mother's frantic voice and my father's tired groan. My mother was waking up my youngest sister, who lives across the hall with her two children. Apparently, my sociopathic sister was being held at the West Hollywood Police Department. Why? She was extremely drunk. Two hours later, my mother and sister dragged my passed-out sister onto her bed, where she's still knocked out. I'm surprised she's still alive! My mother said she was hardly conscious. I wonder how she ended up in the police department and why didn't they call an ambulance. She could have overdosed and died there! That would have thrown me over the edge, really! My parents must feel horrible about this entire situation. I hope they're not blaming themselves for her foolish behavior. I think this is just the life she wants to live. Her motto must be, "Live crazy, die young."

Whoa! Secret US Embassy Cables!

Damn! The U.S is put on blast! The effects of this leak should be very interesting. Don't know what I'm talking about? Below is an excerpt from the Wikileaks website that states what type of secret documents were leaked into the public domain.

"Wikileaks began on Sunday November 28th publishing 251,287 leaked United States embassy cables, the largest set of confidential documents ever to be released into the public domain. The documents will give people around the world an unprecedented insight into US Government foreign activities...The cables show the extent of US spying on its allies and the UN; turning a blind eye to corruption and human rights abuse in "client states"; backroom deals with supposedly neutral countries; ...lobbying for US corporations; and the measures US diplomats take to advance those who have access to them."

Wikileaks.org

Clear skies, but Cold as Fuck!

I'm sitting in front of this computer screen with my niece's Spongebob blanket wrapped around me. Man, I've been freezing my ass off all fucken week! This year's weather has been so unpredictable. The weather man/women are useless. Global warming.

A Dead Dream

The recent death of a professor on campus makes me think of David. It's been almost three years since I last saw him. We were such dorks, lol! We planned and fund raised together for Alpha Gamma Sigma, the honors club on campus, which we were both executive officers of. I remember we sold pizza slices, held raffles, attended meetings and goofed around. We did everything we could to stay on campus because our lives off campus were terrible. We both came from impoverished neighborhoods and families. We were always pressured to get involved in gang related activities, but we found ways to get around them. Man, I miss him. He was fun, loving, passionate, strong willed; He was everything a good friend and student leader should be.

The last memories I have of him were that of him giving me a tour of his office and saying that it was his "third of the half". I didn't understand. He explained, "That's the Vice President's side of the office. The Treasurer, Chief Justice, and Secretary use this side. So, it's my third of the half." LOL! It was so funny. I had never been in the student government office before, except to take my student ID, so it was interesting to see it from another perspective. The very last time I saw him was at an ASO meeting. He motioned that I be appointed Associate Justice of the ASO student government, where he was the Secretary. That was the first meeting I had attended. I only showed up because our friend Heather, who was the AGS President, was also the ASO Vice-President and she had recommended I attend. After the meeting he was in a rush to get home. He mentioned that he was going to a party that weekend. I never saw him again.

David was shot during a confrontation at the party and died at the scene. He died at the age of 19. He had so much potential. He had applied to UCLA the semester prior to his death as a Sociology major. He dreamed of graduating from UCLA and going back to improve his community, South Central L.A. His death shocked me. I never had anyone close to me die, so his death changed how I viewed and interacted in society. Truth be told, sometimes I fear I will share his fate. It's common for people in our community to fall victim to senseless violent crimes. I wish our society would move to improve social conditions instead of promoting war and division of classes. I'm not even going to go off on a rant. I just wish society benefited the majority and not the select few.

Cease the Day!

There are days I wish would cease forever.
Here's to another day of fruitless endeavors!
The light of day no longer brings me joy.
I dodge the blades that are your words.
The sights and sounds,
the very fabrics of life
are lost as I stare into this dime.
My life is nothing with out this coin.
The bills pile up,
will I endure?

By: Brandy Ruiz

Earth as Art!

I've just seen the most beautiful images of our earth! :)

Earth as Art!

Para El Gobierno, Att: El Pueblo

I love looking around the house for things to put in my treasure chest. Yeah, I actually do have one. I've made a discovery today! Pictured below is a letter "Para El Gobierno" from "El Pueblo". I recognized the writing; It's my mother's!


I showed it to her and asked her why she tossed it in the trash. This piece is written on the back of a First Class U.S. Postage Paid envelope, which I found very significant. She just shrugged her shoulders. Apparently, she's been writing things and just throwing them away! I gasped! I asked her to give me everything she writes from now on and she agreed. I doubt she'll follow through though.

Para El Gobierno
Para el gobierno:
Nosotros los Hispanos
Latinos e inmigrantes,
Somos como la marea;
Podemos hacerlos subir
o podemos hacerlos bajar,
Tenemos poder y se los acabamos
de demostrar.
Att: El Pueblo

Por: Norma P. Ruiz



I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced, but they
Out-did the sparkling leaves in glee;
A poet could not be but gay,
In such a jocund company!
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

By: William Wordsworth

The Needs of the Many or the Need of One?

There's a war inside of me,
can you predict it?
My heart is with the people,
but my mind is led by instinct;
There's a need to survive, I cannot retract-
This society is ever changing, I must adapt!
Corruption and greed, above many things-
there's talk about peace in the Middle East!
Lies that penetrate my sleep!
But what can I do? I'm just ME!
I live a life of contradiction,
damn these ideological restrictions!
They're deep into battle,
but what can I do?-
I'm just ME!
I'm just me?

By: Brandy Ruiz

The Mirror

I watched myself in the mirror today,
a question came to mind as paranoia came into play-
Am I worth what they expect me to be?
Are my flaws, flaws of imagination?
Do I poses what the essentials can be?
Do I know what they are?
Will I ever figure it out?!
I fold under my own panic;
crushed by fear and doubt.
I can't stand not knowing,
an endless search for a conclusion-
Someone, anyone, don't let this torture keep going,
and assure me the mirror is merely
an optical illusion!

By: Scott Stamler

River Trip

I decided to write down an experience I had last summer...

I've been waiting in the car for an hour now and I’m restless, hot, and annoyed. We’re almost leaving, I remind myself, if only they can hurry the fuck up! As we drive on to the freeway, I notice we are caught in bumper to bumper traffic and that’s when I smell the smoke. I look around, nothing but cars, trucks, and—an ambulance? Now what?! I continue to gaze about. Suddenly, "Brush Fire" appears in mocking red letters. I sigh. It’s going to be a long ride.

Throughout the ride I’m irritable, but who wouldn’t be? I could barley hear myself think! My aunt is gossiping, my niece is howling over my aunts ‘juicy news’, my cousin is spitting cherry seeds at my arm and my sister’s babies daddy is driving like a fucking maniac. The only way I’m able to keep sane is by shouting at my sister Paloma. I know that only adds to the chaos, but it makes me feel better.

It takes my dimwitted brother-in-law about forty five minutes to exit the freeway. “Are we almost there yet?” I ask my mom, “It’s so hot.” She smiles at me and responds, “Si hombre! Ya para de chingar!”

The road curves like a snake and I figure it is just as deadly. We are driving on the mountain side and I can see the river hundreds of feet below. I clutch the side of my seat and look out the window fearfully. The only things protecting us from falling off the mountain is stone and a skimpy one foot wide sheet of metal. My stomach feels heavy and on every turn I hold my breath thinking it will be my last. My brother-in-law must think he’s a stunt driver from the movie "The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift" because he’s speeding and making extremely hasty turns. I finally had enough and begged my mom to tell him to slow the hell down or we’re all going to die! “Think of the babies!” I say, but I am mostly thinking of myself.

Finally, over the mountain and across the bridge, to the river we’ve arrived. I couldn’t get out of the van fast enough. I grabbed my bag, put on some tanning oil, and waited for everyone else to get out. As the van is being unloaded, I look over the cliff and am surprised at how beautiful the mountains look. Below, the river is clearly visible and the lake is crystal clear. I look around for stairs, steps, any type of stone or wooden path that will lead me down there, but I didn’t find anything except for a steep dirt trail. Is this it? I guess so. I observe as each family member either runs or slowly staggers down the trail. I’m the last to go. I try to calculate each step in my mind, but as I step onto it, I realize how sandy and lumpy it is; which is not what I had planned. Slowly but surely, I make it down to my family.

The sun is scorching hot and I’m exhausted from the walk down. I sit on the edge of the lake and try to admire the scenery. The water is refreshing and my stress is carried away by the small waves. My nieces seem to be enjoying the shore as much as I am; we laugh and splash water at each other as well as play with the wet sand. After all, I’m not such a good swimmer; I almost drowned in Mexico a couple of years ago and I haven’t swum in deep water since. Maybe I will swim in the deep today— or maybe I should die a horrible death!

 

The next day we are back. My upper torso and legs are sore for some reason and I am equally annoyed. I make it down the sandy trail and find that there are furious monster trucks and motor bikes obstructing our path to the lake. We look around dumbfounded. Why are they here? I think. Stupid orange fence! My mom doesn’t think twice and walks away from the lake, towards a thin river. “But I want to go in the lake!” I pout. “Apurate antes que se llene de gente!” she shouts. I drag my feet as I follow her. I’m upset and go on a rant about the trucks and the people that drive them. Eventually, my anger subsides and I am at peace with nature.

The following day my father is home and tells us we are going to the lake. I’m hoping that the lake will be open today, but it isn’t. The river is crowded and the four by fours take over most of the shade and sandy spots. We are forced down the river where the sand turns to stone and the water does too. I say this because my mom decides to add large stones to the already dammed river in order to make our side of the river deeper. I watch as she picks smooth clean stones off the river bank and carefully places them on top of moss covered ones. She looks like I beaver I joke. My dad laughs.

Hours pass and I am still not pleased. Why are there people swimming in the lake, but we can’t? My oldest cousin is also questioning and decides to lead me, my sister, his sister, and my brother on the search for truth. We walk towards where the river and the lake merge into one and see that there are more people than we expected; there are people in the river chilling in knee high water as well as barbequing and fishing on the deck. There is also a white pick up truck fighting against Mother Nature; it kicks and screams but it just won’t budge. A group of ten men surround the truck now and they are finally able to push it out. “It should have stayed stuck”, I say irritated, “stupid ass guy”. My sister looks at me and laughs. Meanwhile, my cousin spots the park ranger and points him out to me. If he is here, I think, why are there still people swimming in the lake?! All of a sudden, the park ranger pulls up to the shore and starts to threaten all the people that are swimming. As they walk out of the water towards the river, my sister and brother "boo"; I can’t help but to laugh out loud. We keep walking to get a closer look at the action. My sister takes advantage and asks the park ranger for a legitimate reason for not being able to swim in the lake. I can tell he is frustrated, but he calms down and clarifies.

“There are state and federal laws restricting people from swimming in reservoirs”, he explains, “a ten year boy died here ten years ago. He was swimming in the reservoir when the dam pumps switched on and he disappeared. We found him two days later wrapped around a tree.” My stomach turns. I wonder if he is telling the truth, or if he is just lying to make his job easier. My cousin obviously doesn’t have the same reaction as I do. He smiles and tells me that if the chances of having that boy’s fate are one in a million, he would take that risk. I look at him and call him a dumb ass because I, unlike him, have a life and enjoy breathing. I don’t want to risk losing everything I have worked hard for, for a mere dip in that crisp drinking water. Instead, I walk back to where the sand turns to stone to sit in the river bank and enjoy what is left of the blazing sun.

Silent Tears

I feel your pain through the walls,
you still think I don't care,
your silent tears sting-
a thousand needle pricks to my heart,
when you're ready to confront him-
come out!
You can't hide behind your anger forever.

By: Brandy Ruiz